


Aniki's Fall

by Wistfully_We_Sing



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Brother Feels, Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherly Love, Depression, Family Issues, M/M, No Incest, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29599482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wistfully_We_Sing/pseuds/Wistfully_We_Sing
Summary: Illumi had betrayed Killua.He had tried to keep him from feeling any love. To make him like him, a dead, faceless being... And it was only now that Illumi realized the enormity of his mistake.He deserved to die for that.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Illumi Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 8
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So! Here Illumi is in tremendous pain and having very dark thoughts, so be careful if this is a trigger for you... Also English is not my native language so feel free to tell me if you see any mistakes!

In Illumi's heart, pain was a strange, but familiar sensation.

It recalled to him echoes of childhood times when his soul was not dead yet, where he still shed tears, where he had to run and hide under his covers and cry alone until morning came. He remembered grief like a knife stuck in his throat whenever his parents hurt him for no reason. Child Illumi always wanted to be loved, and that was why he always tried to do better to make his family proud of him. However, all of his efforts were never enough, and he was not good enough to be the heir. So he was just an empty and useless shell. A being thirsty for love and light, but so filled with darkness that nothing and no one could ever save him.

Child Illumi had grown up and had built walls around his heart, had got used to see beauty in horror. He had grown to love the color of blood, whether it was along his razor-damaged wrists, or the skin of those he killed. Illumi's smile had died away for good, and therefore made disappear his tears as well. He had given up every bit of humanity and happiness that remained anchored in his mind, receiving in exchange a serene and placid calm, a perpetual serenity. Killing and protecting his family had become the only things that mattered.

Yet, hidden deep in Illumi's soul, so deep that not even he recognized it, was a secret. The fact that his undying wish to always protect his family was, in fact, just another hidden search for love.

_Love. Human beings always wanted more. They never had enough._

_You don't have to want to love and receive love, Killua. It will only lead to your ruin._

Yes, Killua had been an exception. Illumi had admitted to himself that he loved Killua. He loved him more than himself, more than his own existence, he was his beloved brother, so sensitive and fragile yet still holding so much strength. Killua who was smiling, who was crying. Killua who wanted to be loved.

Illumi had betrayed Killua.

He had tried to keep him from feeling any love. To make him like him, a dead, faceless being... And it was only now that Illumi realized the enormity of his mistake.

_My whole life has been based only on helping my brother, when in fact from the start I was only hurting him over and over again. I was just doing to him what was done to me._

Believing that Killua cared for him, even a tiny bit, had been what kept Illumi from going completely mad, losing all of his humanity. It had been the last point of light he had left. Protect Killua. Protect the Zoldyck family.

_I am loved. I have a place. I am fine._

This voice, once so distant and anchored in his subconscious, was now crystal clear.

_Nobody loves me. I have no place anywhere. I want to kill myself._

Now Illumi knew what pain was. Again.

* * *

  
  


Illumi wasn't used to externalize such things, but this time he was on the verge of breaking up. And he didn't want to die until he understood, and left a trace of why he decided to leave. Maybe Killua would hate his memory a little less with that.

The forest was silent. He had isolated himself to give free rein to the flood. He took his pencil and traced a few words on the paper, his hand slow and trembling, and wrote the first fact.

_Assassins must be perfect._

_I am not._

Illumi knew now how much he wasn't. There were mistakes and flaws everywhere, and nothing was ever good enough. Illumi felt his throat tighten. It was difficult, but he had to continue. His mind shifted to something more concrete and, to his shame and contempt, his fingers trembled, writing more fuzzy and tangled letters. The words flowed quickly, frantically, now that the barrier was broken and his thoughts ran free.

_I hate my body. It's twisted, strange, scary. My skin is white as if I was always dying, and although it is no longer visible, I still feel scars on it. Sometimes I have the impression that it does not belong to me, that it is only an object used by my parents, that the body they gave me is only for their own benefit. My eyes are the worst, they are not thoses of a human, I do not see anything in my gaze when I am in front of the mirror, everything is empty and dark. I am not able to understand myself. I am looking for something that is not there, an emotion, a light, which never existed. I am nostalgic for sensations that I have never experienced and that I will never experience._

_Anyway, I don't deserve this. Above all, I don't deserve others to worry about me. But, ironically, I wish someone would. It is such a weakness. I don't know why I want this. I don't want to desire it. I don't want to desire anything. Either way, I don't deserve any of the good things in this world._ _I was born to live in blood, silence, night and emptiness. My ugly, bad, disgusting body is made for this, made to kill and hurt people. I will never have anything other than that._

* * *

Cold tears rolled down Illumi's cheeks.

* * *

_I am sorry, Killua._

_I hate myself. **I hate myself.** _

_It will be over soon. If there is anything left of my miserable soul after my death, my only light in all my self-hatred, and the pain I deserve to endure, will be you, Killua._

_I wish you had killed me. It would have been fair. But you won't. I don't even deserve this honor._

* * *

Illumi was cold. He was trembling and yet persisted in going without a coat, his arms bare, exposed to the wind, his hair fluttering in front of his broken-eyed face. He didn't deserve a coat and warmth. Just like he didn't deserve compassion, to talk to someone, or even to be seen. He wanted to disappear underground. He continued to walk in the forest, step by step, his shoulders slumped. The conditioning of always keeping your head straight and proud was gone from his mind.

Many other things were also missing. Previously, his head was a carefully classified place, a perfectly clean prison. He had only controlled thoughts always going in the same direction. Now everything was in a mess, as if a dam had suddenly been broken, letting all the memories pour in.

He thought back to all the events that had made Killua hate him even more than he did before. An intense and poignant pain was now attached to each of these memories, immense and crippling guilt. He remembered every sentence he had said to his brother. Every little bit. Every kindness and understanding denied.

_It's perfectly normal for Killua to hate me. He has absolutely no reason to feel the slightest affection for me. How could I not have noticed before how much I am... I am..._

_A monster. Contemptible. A useless and broken object. This is what I am._

He continued to move forward. His house was very close, the one where no one loved him.

_I spent my life chasing something that didn't exist. It is time to prepare for my death now. Nothing keeps me here anymore and Killua will live better without me._

Illumi knew where he needed to go. He knew where dead and useless things should end; deep in the sea, under liters and liters of water, where everyone could forget them. He went to look for the old boat hidden in the garden behind the house, and took out his best dress from his closet. As for the sheets of paper containing his writings, he sealed them in an envelope, for Killua. Someone would find Killua and give it to him. And then he would know how pathetic his older brother had always been, and would be so relieved to learn of his death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the sad ending of this chapter... Killua will come to save him, I promise! (And our Hisoka will come to the rescue too!)


	2. Chapter 2

Hisoka was the type to appreciate irony, and found some twisted form of happiness in continually mocking all the hardships life sent him. He hadn't the degree of survival instinct that any normal human being possessed and enjoyed the thrill of risk and adventure; that was the reason he had found himself craving Illumi's cold and dangerous company at first. Wasn't it great, to sit down and have a drink with such a man, capable of killing as easily as he swallowed sips of brandy? Not to mention the fascinating phenomenon of his inability to feel pain. Nothing seemed to disturb him and the dark waters of his huge, fixed eyes, always obsessively focused on the same unfathomable goal. 

But there was something else. There was something _more_ than that.

Hisoka was extremely intelligent and never would have had such a growing interest in a simple dead thing. No, his soul yearned for what was below. He hadn't understood it at first, but by dint of meeting Illumi, this certainty that there was something immense behind his gaze had become clearer and clearer. And Hisoka had found himself hypnotized, like a butterfly by a candle light, and couldn't look away. Even his own life didn't matter any more compared to this all-consuming mystery, and it had been the first time in his life that Hisoka had gone _that_ mad.

Illumi didn't know it, but in a way, he had Hisoka wrapped around his finger. He would be ready to do anything to pierce what was hidden behind his eyes. Illumi, the master of manipulation, had managed to catch him completely in his trap without ever having set any. And Hisoka _loved_ it.

Things were calmer now. He would see Illumi once in a while, and intensely gaze at him while making daring jokes, which Illumi pushed back one by one with the back of his hand. So powerful. So fragile.

Illumi hadn't seemed to be well these days, but it sure was nothing.

* * *

"I need you to do me a favor. "

Hisoka jumped, letting go of his balcony barrier, then smiled. This quiet evening was apparently finally going to come alive! It was the voice of... of...

_Illumi Zoldyck._

He stood by him, in his usual elegant and graceful pose. His face was plunged in shadow and his body bathed in the light of the setting sun, dressed in the most sumptuous clothes Hisoka had ever seen him wear. It was a dark green Victorian dress, the cut revealing his arms and plunging in a neckline into the curves of his torso. As he took a step forward, his huge eyes suddenly lit up and his perfect face came into view in the light, his hair flying softly in the evening wind. Hisoka stopped breathing for a moment.

Illumi stood there and looked at him in a perfectly calm manner, as if he was totally oblivious to his own beauty. Hisoka had seen many beautiful people in his life, and certainly didn't lose his temper over something so simple, but there was something about Illumi that was immensely overwhelming. Like looking at a flower, motionless, cold in place on its stem, and guessing the sap, the rage, the fight that was wrestling within. The flowers were beautiful but silent and meant to stay in their place, and die there, living nothing.

This tragedy had always fascinated Hisoka. And made him bitter, too, a few times. But the fascination never stopped.

So Illumi was staring at him, his eyes lit by the setting sun filled with a rare and strange feeling, and Hisoka hadn't been breathing for far too long.

He choked, immediately resuming a malicious smile. 

" Wow. Is there a special occasion? " He asked after catching his breath, walking over to look at the long frills of the dress. " Not even a hello, but I don't care, the sight makes up for it. "

" We could say it's special indeed, " Illumi replied ignoring the last sentence. His voice was more shaky than usual and his gaze strayed too far to the ground, looking lost, unattached. Hisoka immediately wanted to stop smiling. But Illumi looked him in the eye again as he handed him an envelope.

" It's to give to Killua. I would need you to find him for me and give him this letter... You have kind of a talent for finding people. "

" Oooow, do you want me to do your little brother an errand because he runs away as soon as you approach him? " Hisoka couldn't help but joke, trying to ease the strange tension of the moment. " It's not a very stimulating job. Are there not factors for this? "

" Please. "

The supplication whispered in that low tone, so sudden and unnatural, cut off all Hisoka's desire to ridicule the situation. He raised his head in a serious pose and narrowed his eyes. Illumi still looked at him with those troubled eyes, and whispered again, placing the letter in Hisoka's hand.

" I know it's not your habit, but - please. Swear to me on anything that matters to you that you will, Hisoka. And then you will be released from all the debts you owe me. "

" Wha... What the fuck does that mean, Illumi? " Hisoka scolded, grabbing the letter sharply. " What's wrong? Is your brother in mortal danger or something? I can do something other than bring him a piece of paper then. I can - "

" Hisoka. "

He paused, staring at Illumi who brought his arms back to his body in a resigned expression, yet on the verge of breaking up. His hands clenched into fists and his fingernails cut into his skin, small drops of blood streaming down. Hisoka was frozen again at the multiple emotions that crossed his eyes, all dying one after the other.

" ... Hisoka, there is something else I need to tell you. "

Hisoka slipped the letter into his pocket and closed his eyes for a few moments, his mind fighting. The scene that unfolded seemed unreal and he felt even more unsettled as Illumi said, quickly and in a semblance of coldness, his lips trembling:

" I would have… I could have… If I had been different, if things had turned out differently, things would have been… _different._ "

" It's obvious, " Hisoka said, daring to carefully touch Illumi's wrists, wrapping them in his large hands. He seemed on the verge of breaking and kept his fists clenched, his whole body shaking. " What else is it? "

" I wish... things were different for us, Hisoka. I deeply regret this. "

For a moment, they both looked at each other in silence. Then Illumi relaxed slightly and Hisoka was able to take his bloodstained hands, clasping them together in his. It was so strange, unknown, to do this. He held the Illumi Zoldyck's bleeding hands.

And an immense protective fury seized Hisoka. It was _Illumi._ He had felt something like this for a long time without ever daring to act on it, and now that this man's cold facade was fractured, that urge rushed through his veins with blinding power. He _squeezed_ his hands in his, the thoughts all springing up in his mind with fierce determination.

" Illumi, you came to bring me this letter, " Hisoka confidently, keeping a careful eye on Illumi who was still shaking. " Thinking that I could take care of this responsibility. So you trust me in a way, don't you? "

Illumi nodded silently. The admission further heightened Hisoka's resolve and he said with rare seriousness:

" Then you can trust me for everything else too. Tell me what's going on, Illumi. Talk to me. "

Illumi slowly removed his hands from Hisoka's. He pressed his palm to his mouth, looking horrified as a sob crept down his throat.

* * *

Illumi wanted to talk. He _wanted_ it.

Everything was scary. The dumbfounded look in Hisoka's eyes, the stupid tears that were starting to gather in his ugly, horrifying eyes and the world that was getting blurry around him. He felt Hisoka grab him by the shoulders as his balance faltered, but he managed to stand, his assassin pride returning brutally as he realized how pathetic he must have looked.

" Illumi? Illumi, you are having a panic attack. Look at me, I am right there. "

Panic attack? Illumi didn't have panic attacks. He hadn't had one since he was a child and his father had dragged him to Killua's cradle, and scornfully described to him how weak he would look in front of his brother if he continued to act this way, and how much everyone would hate him even more. It wasn't possible that he had one now.

Still, he collapsed into Hisoka's arms, searching for air. His disgusting body sought to live, leaned towards the comfort offered, and his even viler mind also sought to speak to Hisoka, to be reassured, at peace.

_It will not happen._  
  


_I don't deserve to be held._

_I don't deserve Hisoka's time and attention. I have to go now. **I have to go.** I must..._

Hisoka was putting his arms around him and pulling him to his chest. Illumi pushed him away, placing his hand against his heart and extricating himself from his embrace. Still panting, he rose to his feet, lifting his head and absently wiping away the tears that had fallen down his cheeks. Hisoka got up too, trying to grab his arm, but he pulled it away.

" What do you think you're doing? " He whispered, trying to keep his voice steady, but failing miserably. " It's not... It's not... "

* * *

  
Illumi stared at the tears on his hands with such a confused and lost look, his eyelashes racing in despair. Hisoka's heart sank. He had tried it too fast - making such physical contact with Illumi had brought him out of his panic attack, but now he seemed doubly shaken.

" Illumi... "

" I have something to do and I will, " he whispered as a last tear rolled down his cheek. " Just deliver this letter to Killua, Hisoka. And - I lied in it. I said Killua would be my only light, but there will be two. You will be there too. "

" Illumi! "

" Goodbye, Hisoka. "

Illumi jumped off the balcony and disappeared into the maze of streets with a few movements, the darkness seemed to engulf him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this one! See you soon for the next!


	3. Chapter 3

In the moonlight on the river passing behind the Zoldyck mansion, crouching in the damp ground, Illumi was looking at his reflection in the water. His tears had long since dried up but left havoc on his face. His eyelids quivered and he closed his eyes at the sight of his blurred image, all twisted by the currents on the water.

_What's worse is not the past and everything that's happened to me - it's who I am today because of it all. All that is irreparable and broken forever. This wasted chance to live that I will never, ever be able to feel, and the vague memories of childish happiness, brief glimpses of all I might have experienced if things hadn't been so painful._

_My parents always told me that life wasn't that important, that killing didn't mattered at all. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe there was more than that, something grand, beautiful, vibrant._

_And the worst thing is to feel that no matter what, I Illumi Zoldyck will never experience these things._

_And I... I have no one else to blame but myself._

_I wasn't strong enough to stay happy despite everything, despite the torture and the blood... Like Killua, like Hisoka. I was never strong enough not to be broken._

_I am such a failure._

_Failure._

Illumi straightened up, shoulders slumped, battered with shame once again. But it was okay. It would soon be over. He would be free from all the guilt of never having been able to become anything better than this.

The edges of his robe trailed in the river as he launched the boat, and he shivered slightly at the icy contact. His robe shone like a jewel in the heavenly light and clung to his skin as he boarded the rowboat, lying out in it with a sigh. His whole body sagged and he relaxed. He had put white flowers all around him in the boat, a futile attempt to make his body appear beautiful with all those glittering jade fabrics. At least that last thing would be a semblance of perfection and sublime.

He had already told Killua that the only possible happiness to be found in this world was in killing, and no matter how much he now knew how absurd that statement was, he couldn't help but draw a parallel and be amazed of how soothing it was to finally die. Despite the excruciating panic that mounted in his chest as he thought about how badly he had ruined everything, it was good that it ended like this. He would disappear forever in the water he and Killua used to bathe in as children. If he had known, at that time, that everything was destined to end like this...

Illumi sighed again, shaking, the calm of his face tightening and breaking once again as the current of the river carried the rowboat away. _It’s good to feel something before I left, even such intense pain. At least it’s a pain connected to a light that had already existed, even tiny and buried under thousands of cruel memories._

_It was still worth coming here to meet Killua, although in the end I... I did..._

_Pain stabbed his heart again with redoubled intensity and he gasped. He immediately directed his thoughts to something less dark._

_And... And Hisoka._

_Oh, Hisoka._

_If only things had been different. If only I had been better. If only I hadn't been..._

The river led to the ocean, and the boat swerved between the waves. In a few seconds, Illumi left the canopy of the forest trees to find himself under the cover of the starry sky.

_Oh, it's... it's so beautiful._

Illumi's eyes wet once more. He wiped the tears away so he could keep looking at the view. It wasn't for very long.

_I should have... I should have taken the time to look at the sky more often._

When he got far enough from shore, he took out his needles and soflty pierced the floor of the boat with tiny holes, in an almost mechanical gesture. Then he threw the needles overboard, a feeling of peace suddenly assaulting him. In the distance, he could see the Zoldyck manor shining on the coast, dozens of small lights. Illumi smirked a little, and let his arm drag over the edge of the boat, his hand drifting in the water. It had... It had been so important to him.

_Why?_

_Love?_

_Was love supposed to break me so much? Is it what love is?_

_The feeling of duty?_

_The desire for power?_

_A son, a brother, an instrument..._

_Who have I been there?_

Soon that wouldn't matter.

" I love you, Killua. "

Illumi's words were lost in the chaos of the waves. The water slowly seeped into the rowboat, wetting his dress, making it heavy. It was cold and quiet.

Maybe even beautiful like the life he was too weak to live.

* * *

The Bungee-Gum was infallible at catching escapees successfully. Killua struggled, screaming and punching in the sand, Hisoka grabbed him by the front of his shirt and held the letter up to him, without smiling.

" Come on, kid. Believe it or not, that wasn't the way I had planned to spend my evening at all... It's from Illumi and the situation is serious. "

" The situation is serious?? Killua yelled as he continued to struggle. " I have my own problems! Alluka fled into the forest and I was supposed to protect her... "

"Oh, I could explain why I don't give a fuck, but that would be a waste of time. Are you gonna read that damn paper, yes or no? "

" NO! "

Hisoka rolled his eyes and let Killua fall to the ground, spinning the letter between his fingers in a determined gesture. _Sorry, Illu._

He tore off the top of the envelope, half expecting to see Killua run away, but the kid stayed, gazing at the envelope with suspicion and curiosity. Hisoka sighed and unfolded the leaflet, starting to read, eyes narrowed.

Hisoka knew what it was like to see the world fall apart and to be able to do nothing.

He almost longer felt Illumi's aura, and each word on the sheet made a trembling feeling grow in his heart.

Oh, it had been so long since Hisoka had felt the fear. The real one, the one that makes your lips shake and your every thought waver in horror.

Now he knew what fear was. Again.


End file.
